Friends, family, acquaintances, random people on the internet, I need your help. Dan Snyder, the owner of the Washington Redskins, has essentially ruined my life. For 20 years, Dan Snyder has terrorized my favorite football team by being the primary decision maker whilst knowing absolutely nothing about football. We need to run him out of town. Please donate and share this GoFundMe to potentially make my life exponentially better. The full story is below:
Look, the Redskins stink. Everyone knows that. They’ve stunk for a long time. My entire life even. In the last 20 years, we’ve seen a rotation of different coaches, players, personnel, everything. The only things that have been constant over the past 20 years is (1) we’ve stunk and (2) Dan Snyder has owned the team. This year is the 20th anniversary of the year Dan Snyder bought the Redskins and he has yet to put a Super Bowl-caliber team on the field. Enough is enough. We need to get Dan Snyder to sell the team ASAP and the only way to do that is a national embarrassment. We can yell and scream all day about wanting Dan Snyder out of here but until he gets absolutely embarrassed on television (and hopefully the internet), nothing is going to change and I believe this week is the week to do it.
My plan is to sit front row in the end zone wearing a Redskins “Sell The Team” shirt and wear a brown paper bag on my head this Sunday while the Patriots score a million points on us. The Patriots are the Patriots and the Redskins are the laughing stock of the NFL (even Dolphins fans fell bad for us). That means the Patriots are going to score touchdown, after touchdown, after touchdown and the camera will have no choice but to show me, my shirt, and my brown paper bag mask each time the Patriots are coming my way.
The only problem is I’m poor. I can’t afford a front row seat in the end zone and the people who can afford it aren’t going to be willing to brown paper bag themselves. Just picture a Redskins fan with their face covered with a brown paper bag, in a sea of Patriots fans at our home stadium telling the entire world Dan Snyder needs to sell the team. It’s quite possibly our only hope to even sniff a Super Bowl this century. We need to get Dan Synder out of DC and we need to do it by embarrassing him on TV (and the internet).
The Brown Paper Bag Theory works. We’ve seen it with the Browns, we’ve seen it with the Saints, we’ve seen fans with brown paper bags on their heads get on TV time and time again. It’s our turn Washington, we need to embarrass Dan Snyder and we need to do it now or forever hold our peace with gross incompetence.
I’m asking for $1235 because no one will sell me just one ticket and the price of front row seats are $499 each (plus fees). Please help me out, I beg of you.